Suprise baby boy!

All of our choices have a ripple effect. They may effect us or they may effect our family, our friends or our neighbors.  Well, for my family when we couldnt affors birth control in October of 2016 it led the me liking not being on hormones, to calculating my cycle to a vacation in Tennesse with a stubburn husband that led us to a positive pregnacy test in January.
We had decided we were going to find a more perminate birth control. Two kids were more than enough. They kept us on our toes. We were happy we were blessed. But honestly nothing made me feel as whole as seeing the 2 lines on that small little stick. God's plan was even better than ours.
The pregnancy was good. Lots of itching from withdraw from my anxiety/depression meds. Morning sickness like id never had. I threw up more this pregnancy than i had my whole life. Typical sciatica and acid reflux. And of course gestation diabetes. The kids took it all well and were so helpful to mommy. And wanted to bond with baby brother so badly. And they did. The little bean was aways responding to their voices. Thet loved feeling him move.
The real excitment started August 19. I woke up and felt entergized. I meal prepped and cleaned all day. At 9pm i got back pains and eventually stood in the shower for an hr or so. I got out and sat on the bed. Hadley was watching an annoying youtube video and at
Yelled at her to turn it off. At that moment i needed to pee.
It wasnt pee though. My water had broke. I yelled for Hadley to get daddy. And of course she had 5 million questions about why. I was trying to to panick and i was only 36 weeks along. He cant be coming now. But he was.
I was shaking and the contractions started big time 5 min later. Loading 2 kids in a car at 12 pm while calling people to keep them was exciting while trying not to freak out.
We arrive at the hospital and contractions are 2 min apart and brutal. No need to verify water breaking. I needed to be in an OR asap. So about an hour after arriving we were in an OR. Dr. Reeves looked like he had just woke up. But he could see my fear and tried to help. He got me warm blankets and talked about stinky boys. He even joked that Holden was hiding from him.
Hearing my sweet boy cry was instsnt relief to my anxiety. And for about 1 min all was ok. But honestly nothing makes you feel as helpless and being strapped to a OR table, unable to move while trying to read lips. (which i suck at) But my husband's face said it all. I felt a tear run down my face as i watched him try to keep it together. Holden failed their APGAR test. And he failed the 2nd one. He needed O2 and needed the NICU. I felt so helpless and alone. As brian needed to stay with our boy.
They did make a stop by recovery and i got to hold my baby boy for 2 min until he was too blue and needes to go back to NICU.
My biggest fear was playing out. I had told myself so many times i wasnt strong enough to do this again. The first time was the hardest thing for me. Not being able to touch or talk to my baby boy. How was i going to do this again?
The amazing thing was i was never worried about Holden as he had the best healer on his side. It was the being alone that hurt the most. I went from having him inside me, to him being a 5 min walk away. And hooked up. I couldnt touch him those first 24 hrs. That was painful.
I didnt have my other littles. So i didnt have cuddles. Brian was working. So unless i had visitors, which i had many, i was alone. And all i did was walk and pump and sleep and eat.
By day 3 i was able to hold him. And i did as often as i was allowed. Day 4 i was nursing him thw first time. It wasnt sucessful but it was great. And it just got better from there. The 5th night i was not a patient but got to stay to nurse around the clock. It was exhausting walking to the NICU every 2 hrs but worth it.
The 6th night he was mine. All mine. We didnt have visitors and at this point i was fine with that. Just my small family of 5.  <3
It was a ruff week my emotions were on fire. I missed my big kids and my littliest. We had an eclipse and a hurricane and even an earth quak. But we went home on day 7. Home. Just my not so little family.
GOD has a plan and a reason. And i lnow he is why i was calm during Holden's storm. Brian and all the kids needed me to be. And God did just that.