Picture it.
There is this boy and this girl. The first kiss swept her off her feet. He took her to work, even though she has a car. Everyone thinks it is so adorable. Even more so if he sits at the bar or in the car til she gets off. It’s sweet? Right? He writes at least 2 letters a day about how much he misses her. He calls and checks in on her constantly. Everyone giggles and says it so cute how much he adores her.
When he drinks he cries and when he sleeps he has nightmares and yells for her. She feels loved and wanted.
Life moves on. And the boy ask her to marry him. She says yes. She plans a wedding. He says anything she wants. Again “awwww it’s so cute. “ But the cornering and intimidating and isolating became more intense.
2 weeks before the wedding her closest friend walks in their house to find a naked woman. Girl breaks down and confronts boy. Boy tells a beautiful story that leaves reasonable doubt in what the situation really was. Said friend slowly kinda removes herself from girls life. Girl is pretty sure the boy had something to do with that.
Wedding comes and goes. Girl ends up pregnant. Boy starts having these anger outburst but only in the bedroom or the car when alone. No outsiders saw. Girl begged boy to go see a doctor or she and baby would leave. Boy gets medicine. But then gets made a few weeks later and takes every pill left over. Girl calls 911 and they have him throw up.
Boy and girl talk, “meds made it worse” so let’s just work on communication.
Girl had their first child. He can’t breath on his own. Boy leaves them both at the hospital to go to work. Mom fresh from surgery and baby fighting for his life. Boy did take milk to baby once mom went home. And boy needed every last bit of credit and acknowledgement for it.
Boy liked to yell when he gets mad. Bite his finger And point at girl and threaten her “ if you don’t stop” boy never said what would happen. But girl didn’t want to know. Girl stopped expressing concerns and emotions. Out of fear of making him angry.
Girl was a sahm and boy started giving her a list of expectations. For starts when he walked in the door, the entire house better be vacuumed, swept, mopped and toys put up. Don’t forget dinner cooking. And no one should be over either.
Girls friends and even sisters stopped coming around. Usually over fights over boys behavior and comments to other woman. Life and sexual and inappropriate but girl defended it. Girl felt it was her job to defend him even when he was wrong. (I assure you girl knows better now)
Girl starts noticing odd behaviors with boy. Like his phone was either off or on silent. Boy never got home at a decent or even same time. Girl confronts boy that she called one of the numbers on bill and was told he was meeting up with her before work for sex.
Girl breaks down cause boy somehow manipulated her into believing that the other woman lied and that if he did cheat it was obviously her fault cause since having the baby they don’t have sex much.
I need a break.
Now we are on to September. Girl starts have horrible abdominal pains. She is running a fever and can barely move. Girl begs boy to take her to ER. Boy was working nights and left anyways. Girl begged him to come home and take here. Girl went to ER. Her sister took her. Hospital ran test. Girl begged him to come be with her. He stopped by at 2 am. To complain about her inconvenience she gave him since he has to go get the kids and leave his truck and such. Doctors ran STD test. Boy lost his mind over it. (All test negative btw)
Girl continues with the pains and doctor schedules a surgery to remove ovaries. The day before girl discovers another affair. Girl calls her pastor to be present and send the kids next door. But before that the oldest child says “mama can I talk to you?”
We step in the garage and this is where the oldest lets girl know “daddy plans to meet a woman in a hotel room tomorrow while you are in surgery. And he asked her for naked pics”
Girl looses her mind and wants to do things she shouldn’t. How could this man talk like that in front of his son?! And leave it for his to fight a morality battle to tell his mom?
The discussion over the affair was circular. Boy cried alligator tears and swore it was a joke or something. It wasn’t real. But girl had seen the messages. Finally at 3 am girl went to sleep. And had to be at the hospital at 530 am.
Girl decided since she was having surgery boy could stay but in spare room to help with kids.
About 4 days later boy got mad at girl for with holding affection. And yelled at the oldest that his was all his fault since he opened his mouth. Oldest cried so hard as girl tried to console him.
After about another 3 days of his verbal and mental abuse to girl and the oldest. Girl decided that she had to ask him to move out. She needed space and healing and couldn’t with how he was demanding to be forgiven and for attention. He cried and pleaded with her. Girl held in every tear. As boy threatened to kill him self or to disappear and that he needed her. But girl knew she needed to heal
More than His tears could even begin to help with. Girl wouldn’t let him touch her and handed him his bag she packed and made him leave.
They did thanksgiving together. It was ok. They didn’t Christmas together. He had managed to force intimacy on girl. She just stayed quit about it.
New Year’s Eve boy calls girl threatening suicide. Send her a pic of the trinity bridge and scares girl as she tries to get ahold of someone. Boys family gets to him.
That event triggered an emotional response from the girl to protect the boy. She again felt responsible for him.
She left him come over on weekends and stay in the spare room. Then one day he finds her gun. He holds it to his head and hers. He ends up at a mental hospital the next day. He stays there a week. Comes out with new diagnosis and treatment plan.
Boy and girl start marriage counseling again.
Girl needs another surgery, this one more invasive. Boy offered to help with kids that week and leave but then refuses to leave. Girl tells him “if you stay our marriage is over. We haven’t healed at all individually or together” boy won’t listen and stays.
It’s ok for a min.
But then mother’s day weekend 😱
So let’s back up a second.
March to May there were 3 hospital stays with the baby. First stay was one week post hysterectomy. One was due to baby having a tummy bug and was in starvation mode. Girl was worried and went to ER. Boy was livid cause he had stayed home constituted and was mad she would decide to go to he ER when he was ill. Cause you know. Boy shows up to ER about 4 hours later. Complains that baby is crying while starting his IV. And boy gets mad and is leaving after 20 min. I. His way out it ended up in a screaming match cause boy looked girl in the face and called her selfish and inconsiderate for doing this when he wasn’t feeling well. Mama bear kinda came out. Nurse came in and asked if security was needed . Boy left.
Around this point the boy keeps asking for intimacy and girl refuses as just had major surgery. Girl says no boy refuses to listen.
The next hospital stay boy again avoided the hospital and left girl there alone with baby. And if boy did come he slept or complained til he lefts girl thinks I’m a week boy was there maybe 6 hours total and hats being generous. At this stay the inserted a feeding tube in baby. Boy was not there. Even though the whole stay the older kids slept at a friends house anyways.
So Mother’s Day weekend. This is one week out of hospital with baby.
Girl is going out Friday with 2 of her friends. Boy knows address and who she is with. Boy freaks out when she has been gone 2 hours and he can’t reach her. Signal issue but boy was asinine in being distraught on her “missing”
Girl goes home. Reminds boyfriend Mother’s Day she wants to go eat alone with her
friends. No kids. Girl needs a break. Boy
becomes angry. And starts attacking girl for her appearance “you are fat and lazy and just use our children as an excuse to stay that way. Your surgeries are just another excuse. Plenty of woman have kids and bounce back. Why the fuck can’t you?” Girl cries and begs boy to leave the room. He does and comes back. “And another thing you have got to start giving it up more or you will have to stop complaining if I find it elsewhere. You are too fat for anyone else to want you. So good luck if you try to leave”
Girl cried herself to skew that night.
The next day was Mother’s Day. Boy was in a bad mood cause girl was stillest on a girl’s lunch no kids. After church he becomes enraged and grabs girl. And screams then storms out the church. More things get said. But the details are irrelevant. Boy was spiteful and angry and loved telling girl that she was a failing her marriage by not submitting to his every need and by not being intimate and giving him all her time.
Girl went to lunch with friends. That evening while making dinner with her kids. Boy is following her and just talking mess about sex. And how he wanted it and girl needed to “give it up” the oldest called dad on his pudge language. Girl just kept ignoring boy. Til boy stood by the back door and says “you are a waste and useless and not worth a damn thing” girl yells and tells him to leave. Oldest calls the pastor. And they come and sit and talk. Boy gives off bull crap and alligator tears.
Wednesday boy gets angry that girl “spends too much time at church and with Jesus. “ oldest calls pastor again. Girl decided to take kids and leave. Tells boy to go to another church and think about what he wants in life.
That night as boy and girl talk. Boy gets angry and starts lashing out at the oldest. Tells oldest he has no respect for his father and asked him if he knew who is dad was? Child cries. And in that moment girl decided that she had to leave him. She can’t keepallowing him to emotionally abuse her or the kids. She just needs time to get stuff figured out.
And well now we have a crossroad.
Thursday boy is derogatory and insensitive to girl about her surgery and publicly shamed her for not having sex with him.
Girl talks to her mother that Friday. And tells her about the last weeks events. And girl that she can’t wait til The summer ends she needs to leave or make him leave. Girl goes home and packs stuff for kids and herself and takes the daughter to gymnastics and drops the boys off at her pastors house. She the. Is accompanied by her friend as she goes to talk to Boy.
Boy is in a good mood. As he usually is after making girl cry. Girl tells him He either leaves or her and the kids are. Boys refused to leave so girl finishes packing.
Now bare with me.
Girl comes out of her daughters room and boy begs her to come talk alone in garage girl says no. Boy walks back out and slams door so hard that it pops back open. In that moment girl freezes as she sees boy wrap a nuse around his neck. girl tells her friend and friend calls 911. It took girl a min to move and go out to garage. Boy was now taking on the phone and came in a called girl a liar for what she saw. Cops and ems and fire arrived. Boy told the cops he didn’t do that. But he had marks on his neck and the nuse was in the garage. And a neighbor saw. Boy was taken to the psych hold at Tricounty.
The next day he got out and admitted himself to the hospital. Where he stayed for a month.
When he got out girl still wouldn’t let him home. She was now being emotionally abused by boys brother and father. They blamed girl. She made his crazy. She is he one that needs help not him. Girl was the abuser. Girl should have had sex when he wants and then maybe he would stop his affairs. Loose the weight and he can’t talk crap about it.
Boy claimed he wanted home/ but again the oldest found messages on dads phone of him sexting and making plans with 2 woman. Calling them after calling her. So boybwould call and cry to come home and he is changed and get off the phone to call these other woman.
One day the girl finally got feed up with the harassing text and calls. By his the girl means regularly 77 phone calls and over 50 text a day. So she decides to block him for the night. Girl hadn’t slept well in a long time due to text and calls all night. And within 15 min boy was at her door.
Girl felt safe to talk as her BFF was here and kids awake. Boy demanded she remove him from block. Girl held her ground and said no. And asked him to leave. Boy refused. Boy lunges at her to push her against the wall. And girl stepped back into him. And at that point he threw her to the wall by her throat and held both hands on her neck as he starred in her face. Girl was paralyzed but could hear her BFF and he son screaming. And the door unlock and open as he took one hand off her neck the stabilize himself to hold her there. And then the Bff pushed boy off girl. And girl feel inside and bawled in a ball.
As of now that’s all I can share. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. My picture perfect family was a facade. I was faking it til I made it. But things got worse. And they usually do. Hiding the abuse didn’t make it go away. The feeling of being trapped is real. The feeling that if you love them enough they will stop or change is real. We have got to as a society start being aware of the signs of emotional abuse. We have got to stop being afraid to talk about it. And most importantly we have got to listen to our friends and family. They ask for help they ask for advice and what we say may not change a thing but LOVE them. Unconditionally. Cause they are broken and torn and lost and scared. They think staying saved their kids from the brut of the abuse. They think staying they are in control. But they aren’t. And one day when they realize it. They will need you and your love. And they need to know you aren’t judging them. Leaving Brian was one of the hardest things I ever did. I relinquished the control I though I had. I saved my life. Cause that’s exactly how that was going to end if I didn’t stop this. I know I haven’t been a even a good friend this last year. But those of you in my inbox and phone and that just listen to me. And let me know you are there and that I’m not alone. Free of judgement. I love you guys. And while there is still more to my story. It’s still going on. I’m still healing. But I’ve already found a peace I never had. I never wanted a exhusband but I’d rather have that then be 6 feet down.
