My domestic violence survival story

Picture it.

There is this boy and this girl. The first kiss swept her off her feet. He took her to work, even though she has a car. Everyone thinks it is so adorable. Even more so if he sits at the bar or in the car til she gets off. It’s sweet? Right? He writes at least 2 letters a day about how much he misses her. He calls and checks in on her constantly. Everyone giggles and says it so cute how much he adores her.

When he drinks he cries and when he sleeps he has nightmares and yells for her. She feels loved and wanted.

Life moves on. And the boy ask her to marry him. She says yes. She plans a wedding. He says anything she wants. Again “awwww it’s so cute. “ But the cornering and intimidating and isolating became more intense.

2 weeks before the wedding her closest friend walks in their house to find a naked woman. Girl breaks down and confronts boy. Boy tells a beautiful story that leaves reasonable doubt in what the situation really was. Said friend slowly kinda removes herself from girls life. Girl is pretty sure the boy had something to do with that.

Wedding comes and goes. Girl ends up pregnant. Boy starts having these anger outburst but only in the bedroom or the car when alone. No outsiders saw. Girl begged boy to go see a doctor or she and baby would leave. Boy gets medicine. But then gets made a few weeks later and takes every pill left over. Girl calls 911 and they have him throw up.

Boy and girl talk, “meds made it worse” so let’s just work on communication.

Girl had their first child. He can’t breath on his own. Boy leaves them both at the hospital to go to work. Mom fresh from surgery and baby fighting for his life. Boy did take milk to baby once mom went home. And boy needed every last bit of credit and acknowledgement for it.

Boy liked to yell when he gets mad. Bite his finger And point at girl and threaten her “ if you don’t stop” boy never said what would happen. But girl didn’t want to know. Girl stopped expressing concerns and emotions. Out of fear of making him angry.

Girl was a sahm and boy started giving her a list of expectations. For starts when he walked in the door, the entire house better be vacuumed, swept, mopped and toys put up. Don’t forget dinner cooking. And no one should be over either.

Girls friends and even sisters stopped coming around. Usually over fights over boys behavior and comments to other woman. Life and sexual and inappropriate but girl defended it. Girl felt it was her job to defend him even when he was wrong. (I assure you girl knows better now)

Girl starts noticing odd behaviors with boy. Like his phone was either off or on silent. Boy never got home at a decent or even same time. Girl confronts boy that she called one of the numbers on bill and was told he was meeting up with her before work for sex.

Girl breaks down cause boy somehow manipulated her into believing that the other woman lied and that if he did cheat it was obviously her fault cause since having the baby they don’t have sex much.

I need a break.

Now we are on to September. Girl starts have horrible abdominal pains. She is running a fever and can barely move. Girl begs boy to take her to ER. Boy was working nights and left anyways. Girl begged him to come home and take here. Girl went to ER. Her sister took her. Hospital ran test. Girl begged him to come be with her. He stopped by at 2 am. To complain about her inconvenience she gave him since he has to go get the kids and leave his truck and such. Doctors ran STD test. Boy lost his mind over it. (All test negative btw)

Girl continues with the pains and doctor schedules a surgery to remove ovaries. The day before girl discovers another affair. Girl calls her pastor to be present and send the kids next door. But before that the oldest child says “mama can I talk to you?”

We step in the garage and this is where the oldest lets girl know “daddy plans to meet a woman in a hotel room tomorrow while you are in surgery. And he asked her for naked pics”

Girl looses her mind and wants to do things she shouldn’t. How could this man talk like that in front of his son?! And leave it for his to fight a morality battle to tell his mom?

The discussion over the affair was circular. Boy cried alligator tears and swore it was a joke or something. It wasn’t real. But girl had seen the messages. Finally at 3 am girl went to sleep. And had to be at the hospital at 530 am.

Girl decided since she was having surgery boy could stay but in spare room to help with kids.

About 4 days later boy got mad at girl for with holding affection. And yelled at the oldest that his was all his fault since he opened his mouth. Oldest cried so hard as girl tried to console him.

After about another 3 days of his verbal and mental abuse to girl and the oldest. Girl decided that she had to ask him to move out. She needed space and healing and couldn’t with how he was demanding to be forgiven and for attention. He cried and pleaded with her. Girl held in every tear. As boy threatened to kill him self or to disappear and that he needed her. But girl knew she needed to heal

More than His tears could even begin to help with. Girl wouldn’t let him touch her and handed him his bag she packed and made him leave.

They did thanksgiving together. It was ok. They didn’t Christmas together. He had managed to force intimacy on girl. She just stayed quit about it.

New Year’s Eve boy calls girl threatening suicide. Send her a pic of the trinity bridge and scares girl as she tries to get ahold of someone. Boys family gets to him.

That event triggered an emotional response from the girl to protect the boy. She again felt responsible for him.

She left him come over on weekends and stay in the spare room. Then one day he finds her gun. He holds it to his head and hers. He ends up at a mental hospital the next day. He stays there a week. Comes out with new diagnosis and treatment plan.

Boy and girl start marriage counseling again.

Girl needs another surgery, this one more invasive. Boy offered to help with kids that week and leave but then refuses to leave. Girl tells him “if you stay our marriage is over. We haven’t healed at all individually or together” boy won’t listen and stays.

It’s ok for a min.

But then mother’s day weekend 😱

So let’s back up a second.

March to May there were 3 hospital stays with the baby. First stay was one week post hysterectomy. One was due to baby having a tummy bug and was in starvation mode. Girl was worried and went to ER. Boy was livid cause he had stayed home constituted and was mad she would decide to go to he ER when he was ill. Cause you know. Boy shows up to ER about 4 hours later. Complains that baby is crying while starting his IV. And boy gets mad and is leaving after 20 min. I. His way out it ended up in a screaming match cause boy looked girl in the face and called her selfish and inconsiderate for doing this when he wasn’t feeling well. Mama bear kinda came out. Nurse came in and asked if security was needed . Boy left.

Around this point the boy keeps asking for intimacy and girl refuses as just had major surgery. Girl says no boy refuses to listen.

The next hospital stay boy again avoided the hospital and left girl there alone with baby. And if boy did come he slept or complained til he lefts girl thinks I’m a week boy was there maybe 6 hours total and hats being generous. At this stay the inserted a feeding tube in baby. Boy was not there. Even though the whole stay the older kids slept at a friends house anyways.

So Mother’s Day weekend. This is one week out of hospital with baby.

Girl is going out Friday with 2 of her friends. Boy knows address and who she is with. Boy freaks out when she has been gone 2 hours and he can’t reach her. Signal issue but boy was asinine in being distraught on her “missing”

Girl goes home. Reminds boyfriend Mother’s Day she wants to go eat alone with her

friends. No kids. Girl needs a break. Boy

becomes angry. And starts attacking girl for her appearance “you are fat and lazy and just use our children as an excuse to stay that way. Your surgeries are just another excuse. Plenty of woman have kids and bounce back. Why the fuck can’t you?” Girl cries and begs boy to leave the room. He does and comes back. “And another thing you have got to start giving it up more or you will have to stop complaining if I find it elsewhere. You are too fat for anyone else to want you. So good luck if you try to leave”

Girl cried herself to skew that night.

The next day was Mother’s Day. Boy was in a bad mood cause girl was stillest on a girl’s lunch no kids. After church he becomes enraged and grabs girl. And screams then storms out the church. More things get said. But the details are irrelevant. Boy was spiteful and angry and loved telling girl that she was a failing her marriage by not submitting to his every need and by not being intimate and giving him all her time.

Girl went to lunch with friends. That evening while making dinner with her kids. Boy is following her and just talking mess about sex. And how he wanted it and girl needed to “give it up” the oldest called dad on his pudge language. Girl just kept ignoring boy. Til boy stood by the back door and says “you are a waste and useless and not worth a damn thing” girl yells and tells him to leave. Oldest calls the pastor. And they come and sit and talk. Boy gives off bull crap and alligator tears.

Wednesday boy gets angry that girl “spends too much time at church and with Jesus. “ oldest calls pastor again. Girl decided to take kids and leave. Tells boy to go to another church and think about what he wants in life.

That night as boy and girl talk. Boy gets angry and starts lashing out at the oldest. Tells oldest he has no respect for his father and asked him if he knew who is dad was? Child cries. And in that moment girl decided that she had to leave him. She can’t keepallowing him to emotionally abuse her or the kids. She just needs time to get stuff figured out.

And well now we have a crossroad.

Thursday boy is derogatory and insensitive to girl about her surgery and publicly shamed her for not having sex with him.

Girl talks to her mother that Friday. And tells her about the last weeks events. And girl that she can’t wait til The summer ends she needs to leave or make him leave. Girl goes home and packs stuff for kids and herself and takes the daughter to gymnastics and drops the boys off at her pastors house. She the. Is accompanied by her friend as she goes to talk to Boy.

Boy is in a good mood. As he usually is after making girl cry. Girl tells him He either leaves or her and the kids are. Boys refused to leave so girl finishes packing.

Now bare with me.

Girl comes out of her daughters room and boy begs her to come talk alone in garage girl says no. Boy walks back out and slams door so hard that it pops back open. In that moment girl freezes as she sees boy wrap a nuse around his neck. girl tells her friend and friend calls 911. It took girl a min to move and go out to garage. Boy was now taking on the phone and came in a called girl a liar for what she saw. Cops and ems and fire arrived. Boy told the cops he didn’t do that. But he had marks on his neck and the nuse was in the garage. And a neighbor saw. Boy was taken to the psych hold at Tricounty.

The next day he got out and admitted himself to the hospital. Where he stayed for a month.

When he got out girl still wouldn’t let him home. She was now being emotionally abused by boys brother and father. They blamed girl. She made his crazy. She is he one that needs help not him. Girl was the abuser. Girl should have had sex when he wants and then maybe he would stop his affairs. Loose the weight and he can’t talk crap about it.

Boy claimed he wanted home/ but again the oldest found messages on dads phone of him sexting and making plans with 2 woman. Calling them after calling her. So boybwould call and cry to come home and he is changed and get off the phone to call these other woman.

One day the girl finally got feed up with the harassing text and calls. By his the girl means regularly 77 phone calls and over 50 text a day. So she decides to block him for the night. Girl hadn’t slept well in a long time due to text and calls all night. And within 15 min boy was at her door.

Girl felt safe to talk as her BFF was here and kids awake. Boy demanded she remove him from block. Girl held her ground and said no. And asked him to leave. Boy refused. Boy lunges at her to push her against the wall. And girl stepped back into him. And at that point he threw her to the wall by her throat and held both hands on her neck as he starred in her face. Girl was paralyzed but could hear her BFF and he son screaming. And the door unlock and open as he took one hand off her neck the stabilize himself to hold her there. And then the Bff pushed boy off girl. And girl feel inside and bawled in a ball.

As of now that’s all I can share. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. My picture perfect family was a facade. I was faking it til I made it. But things got worse. And they usually do. Hiding the abuse didn’t make it go away. The feeling of being trapped is real. The feeling that if you love them enough they will stop or change is real. We have got to as a society start being aware of the signs of emotional abuse. We have got to stop being afraid to talk about it. And most importantly we have got to listen to our friends and family. They ask for help they ask for advice and what we say may not change a thing but LOVE them. Unconditionally. Cause they are broken and torn and lost and scared. They think staying saved their kids from the brut of the abuse. They think staying they are in control. But they aren’t. And one day when they realize it. They will need you and your love. And they need to know you aren’t judging them. Leaving Brian was one of the hardest things I ever did. I relinquished the control I though I had. I saved my life. Cause that’s exactly how that was going to end if I didn’t stop this. I know I haven’t been a even a good friend this last year. But those of you in my inbox and phone and that just listen to me. And let me know you are there and that I’m not alone. Free of judgement. I love you guys. And while there is still more to my story. It’s still going on. I’m still healing. But I’ve already found a peace I never had. I never wanted a exhusband but I’d rather have that then be 6 feet down.

Normalizing Breastfeeding is something I have a conviction with

I have breastfeed the better half of the the last 10 years of my life. I have heard every excuse not to breastfeed. I have heard every reason why a woman should pump for public feedings or pump after age 1, or 2 or 3. I have had people place blankets over me in the middle of August with a screaming baby. I have had family  and friends express their discontent with many of my choices  that revolve around breastfeeding and my choice to be openly public about it.
I want to say I can understand the modest approach  to breastfeeding. I can understand discretion when It comes to breastfeeding. I can even do my best to respect those that feel a woman should cover.
I won't and will never again pump and make a bottle to appease someone. But I can wear 2 shirts and attempt a cover  while nursing. But if my child is fussynor crying and needs to eat and isn't having any of that, then ypur comfort  is the least of my concerns. Period.
As for pictures, I share my breastfeeding journey for many reasons. One being as simple as I personally find it a beautiful bond and I do not see it as a private bond or a private moment. That's just me. Baby is eating and nursing the way God intended and using my breast for what they are designed for. It is beautiful. 
But I will tell you.  The main reason I share pics and stories is I know for a fact how much hearing and seeing another woman succeed can help inspire and give courage.
I failed my oldest when it comes to breastfeeding.  I have up at 5 months. It was so much work. I couldn't leave the house  unless I had enough bottles. I couldn't breastfeed in public cause people's glares or comment. Including my families. It eventually became a task that wore me down.
And I gave up.
I gave up because breastfeeding isnt normalized. I gave up because inwas told men cant control themselves and its my job to protecr then from possibly seeing a nip.
I had options  that were easier and I choose them.
No here comes hadley. I had another choices.  Formula was not an option. One reason money. One reason stubborn Hadley  refused  a bottle of even pumped milk. Never mind I never responded to a pump with her.
So I i
Learned discretion for my husband's benefit. I did my best. But if you have never nursed a strong willed infant. Count your sanity pieces. Cause you have more than I do.
But anyways. As my journey with Hadley  continued i recieved messages of hope and inspiration that i was giving other woman during their journey. I gave woman confidence to continue breastfeeding or to leave their house.
So since Hadley I have be convicted to share my journey. To help mother's. To make breastfeeding normal. We need to teach out boys and men to be respectful. And to not sexualized a woman with a baby on her breast.  We need to make  pur men be held accountable  if they decide to be derogatory  or have inappropriate feelings about seeing a baby on a breast. That is not the baby not the mother's concern.
They only thing a baby has to worry about is nursing and a mother only shpuld be concerned  with latch and nursing her baby.
There are so many other issues with breastfeeding that need to be addressed.
But a mother sharing a breastfeeding pic should not be a reason to have your  panties in a wad. If you want to be involved in they nursing matter of a household here are some things that are appropriate.
Do you need more water?
Have you are recently?
Do you need anything?
If mom is struggling ask
Do you need help with the hold?
How is babes latch? Getting better?
Again
Do you need anything?
Never ask her cover  up.
Never as her to go to another room.
Never ask her to be more discrete.
Never ask her to remove pics she loves.
And don't use religion to make your opinion seem more valid. Breastfeeding  is not mentioned in the Bible to be hidden.
Yes modesty is but look at this.
1 Peter 3:3-4 – “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
Ok so be modest.
But here is this
1 Peter 2:12 – “Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.”

1 Samuel 16:7 – “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Yes men and people of this world mat view breast as sexual. But God is not of this world. And No breastfeeding mother is doing it for attention. Not ever.

It comes to a matter of the heart. And darlings my heart is has pure intentions when feeding my baby.

Galatians 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

1John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

Modesty is about my intent which is judged by the Lord. Not by you.

Should we fear God?

We are taught at an early age to fear God. You know the phrase, ill put the fear of God in you. But should we really fear God? He doesnt punish us. He as unconditional love for us. And forgives us no matter how many times we mess up. And that revolves around love, not fear.
You cant earn God's favor more by following a religious secs rules. That mindset leads us to trying to be better than others or feeling less than. And thats the devil whispering in our ears. In Romans 3:21-31 explains that we all fall sbort and we all recieve grace that is through the the redemption that is Jesus Christ.
These mindsets of trying to earn God's favor leave us falling short and then lead to giving up as we will never be good enough. That causes fear and anxiety and depression.
Friends we all fall short. That is why Jesus died. Accepting that he died for you before yu ever exist is acceptimg unconditional love from a father that doesnt punish us. And has already forgiven us. John 14:6 says Christ ia the only way to his father. For this very reason.
Should be strive to be Christ like? Yes. But we have to know we are not perfect and thats ok. Just strive everyday to do and be better. God created us. He knows us. Ans once we accept this we can start living Christ like because we want to. Not because we are afraid if being repramanded for a mistake we have or may make.
Ephesians 2:8-9  (NKJV)
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.
We all can recieve grace by accepting what Jesus did for us.

We dont need to fear God. We can find rest in Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:21 NKJV

21 For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

1 Peter 2:24 KJV

24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

God is love. And to know lovw is to know God.
And in perfect love their is no fear.

1 John 4:18 KJV

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Why do we as society judge constantly.

With the peak of social media everything most do is under a microscope. When baby jessica fell in the well. We came together and prayed for the family and aided them. Now if a child is hurt or missing society imediately pointsbout evey flaw you have to prove itnwas your fault. Being a parent is hard enough without bystanders judging every move you make.
There are so many decisions involved with raising children. From simple ones like what their first food should be to what age to start food to vaccines to circumsision to dicipline and so much more.
I think we all can agree that doing your owm research is vital. Statistics are great. Facts are eveb better. But children are NOT a one size fits all.
I have evolved so much as a parent. I became a mom almost 10 years ago. And I made choices with him i didnt with the middle child and havent with the youngest. For example my oldest is circumsized. My youngest is not. We statered solids as 4 months with my oldest and it was a fruit. My middle child started at 4 months with veggies. And here we are with the youngest and he hasnt had purees and probably never will and he is almost 6 months.
Even with carseats, oh i have adjusted with mew studies. My oldest it was a milestone at 1 year of age to turn forward facing. So wonderfully exciting. My middle rearfaced till she was 3 and harnessed till 5 and still randonly at age 7. My youngest will rearface til he drives. Just kidding.
My point is their best interest is what i have going on. I could give so many more examples to the differences between my children. As I have aged and grown with my children. My love for my oldest is the same for the other 2. I always do what i feel is best for them.
Some things havent changed. Such as i co sleep. It makes my life easier. I could never do CIO. But thats me. Thats my kids. I breaatfeed. All 3. I wanted to as long as I could. My oldest I feel i failed him. I gave up at 5 months when it got hard and i went to work. My middle weaned at 3.6 years old. And my youngest will wean when he is ready. I forced my oldest to use a bottle as well as breast cause i thought he had to. My middle child never had a bottle. And the baby will look at you like you are crazy.
Now i am rambling. But my point comes down to this. You do not have to like a choice mother makes. And you do not have the right to tell her she is wrong. If safety is an issue share facts and studies. But do not belittle or make a mother feel bad for choices she makes. As every child is different.
Respect for each other will get us far. Being a mother is hard. Its stressful. Im just winging it honestly. I have experience and research but i am honestly winging it. My parenting changes daily.
Our babies are only little for so long. Hold them and love them. And stop worrying about what others think or feel. Do what is best for you and your babies. <3

Sometimes being a mom means making hard decisions

Anyone that knows us knows we currently homeschool Hayden. And you know it is because in first grade he was not focusing and wouldnt sit still or comeplete his assignments and in return he was talkative and distruptive. He started crying about going to school and i did not like my 6 year old feeling that way about school. It was suppose to still be fun and exciting. So we pulled him.
If you know us you also know Hayden had always had ADHD tendencies. We have done oils, necklaces, calming magnessium, ADHD necklace, diet change, you know the whole shabang. Each one had its own benefit and helped its own way. Whether for a short time or a long time or whatever the case was.
Homeschooling allowed him to walk around, take breaks as needed, go at his own pace.
Im writting this cause over the last few months things have been taking a different direction. All I seemed to be doing was yelling, spanking or asking Hayden "why?" Or "what were you thinking?"  We have got to were we both are annoyed and aggrivated with one another.
Together Hayden and I agreed we needed outside help and that he wanted to go back to public school. We went to tricounty and have seen a psychiatrist. We have decided on behavior therapy and medication therapy.
Medication was never an option in my head. But you see in the last few years i have been medicating for anxiety and depression after trying to maintain it myself and i couldnt. How could i expect Hayden to do the same. Someone asked me if I would deny him glasses if he needed it and that gave me an 'ah ha' moment. In that moment God answered my prayers on what to do next.
So, Hayden has now been formally ADHD diagnosed. And will start behavior therapy next week and started medication thereapy today. Today because he asked to. He heard the doctor explain what the medicine does and that excits him. He is ready for this next chapter as much as I am. And yall Hayden is an amazing kid. And now with the right tools in his hands he is going to do amazing things. He is going to change lives. He is an child of God and now with these tools God has given him he will conquer so much.
I am still nervous and anxious. I cant lie and say I am not.  But my heavenly father has given us both peace about this and we know its all going to be ok.
So all the stigma about kids with ADHD and medication and blah blah can shove it. Cause my boy is going to show the world what ANYONE can do if the believe.

Suprise baby boy!

All of our choices have a ripple effect. They may effect us or they may effect our family, our friends or our neighbors.  Well, for my family when we couldnt affors birth control in October of 2016 it led the me liking not being on hormones, to calculating my cycle to a vacation in Tennesse with a stubburn husband that led us to a positive pregnacy test in January.
We had decided we were going to find a more perminate birth control. Two kids were more than enough. They kept us on our toes. We were happy we were blessed. But honestly nothing made me feel as whole as seeing the 2 lines on that small little stick. God's plan was even better than ours.
The pregnancy was good. Lots of itching from withdraw from my anxiety/depression meds. Morning sickness like id never had. I threw up more this pregnancy than i had my whole life. Typical sciatica and acid reflux. And of course gestation diabetes. The kids took it all well and were so helpful to mommy. And wanted to bond with baby brother so badly. And they did. The little bean was aways responding to their voices. Thet loved feeling him move.
The real excitment started August 19. I woke up and felt entergized. I meal prepped and cleaned all day. At 9pm i got back pains and eventually stood in the shower for an hr or so. I got out and sat on the bed. Hadley was watching an annoying youtube video and at
Yelled at her to turn it off. At that moment i needed to pee.
It wasnt pee though. My water had broke. I yelled for Hadley to get daddy. And of course she had 5 million questions about why. I was trying to to panick and i was only 36 weeks along. He cant be coming now. But he was.
I was shaking and the contractions started big time 5 min later. Loading 2 kids in a car at 12 pm while calling people to keep them was exciting while trying not to freak out.
We arrive at the hospital and contractions are 2 min apart and brutal. No need to verify water breaking. I needed to be in an OR asap. So about an hour after arriving we were in an OR. Dr. Reeves looked like he had just woke up. But he could see my fear and tried to help. He got me warm blankets and talked about stinky boys. He even joked that Holden was hiding from him.
Hearing my sweet boy cry was instsnt relief to my anxiety. And for about 1 min all was ok. But honestly nothing makes you feel as helpless and being strapped to a OR table, unable to move while trying to read lips. (which i suck at) But my husband's face said it all. I felt a tear run down my face as i watched him try to keep it together. Holden failed their APGAR test. And he failed the 2nd one. He needed O2 and needed the NICU. I felt so helpless and alone. As brian needed to stay with our boy.
They did make a stop by recovery and i got to hold my baby boy for 2 min until he was too blue and needes to go back to NICU.
My biggest fear was playing out. I had told myself so many times i wasnt strong enough to do this again. The first time was the hardest thing for me. Not being able to touch or talk to my baby boy. How was i going to do this again?
The amazing thing was i was never worried about Holden as he had the best healer on his side. It was the being alone that hurt the most. I went from having him inside me, to him being a 5 min walk away. And hooked up. I couldnt touch him those first 24 hrs. That was painful.
I didnt have my other littles. So i didnt have cuddles. Brian was working. So unless i had visitors, which i had many, i was alone. And all i did was walk and pump and sleep and eat.
By day 3 i was able to hold him. And i did as often as i was allowed. Day 4 i was nursing him thw first time. It wasnt sucessful but it was great. And it just got better from there. The 5th night i was not a patient but got to stay to nurse around the clock. It was exhausting walking to the NICU every 2 hrs but worth it.
The 6th night he was mine. All mine. We didnt have visitors and at this point i was fine with that. Just my small family of 5.  <3
It was a ruff week my emotions were on fire. I missed my big kids and my littliest. We had an eclipse and a hurricane and even an earth quak. But we went home on day 7. Home. Just my not so little family.
GOD has a plan and a reason. And i lnow he is why i was calm during Holden's storm. Brian and all the kids needed me to be. And God did just that.

Fasting and prayer 2016 day 1

At church Sunday our pastor challenged us all to a fast and prayer. As soon as he said it. I knew that fb was exactly what i needed to fast. No questions. Brian struggled with it. As everything he could fast. He seemed to not want to give up.
I am not even sure he finally decided what to fast.
As for myself I, well Hadley, deleted my fb applicatioon my phone. It has been a struggle. I keep going to check it. I almost feel like I am disconnected or out of the loop. It makes me anxious. But today when i did my morming prayer session God spoke to me.
This fasting and prayer will be for me to find ways to use my gift he has giving me outside ofFB. As I read 1 Corinthians 12:8,
"To onee person he give the ability to give wise advice, to another thr gift of special knowledge.", something just clicked for me. I am not 100% on how to verbalize it. But i will be praying about how to use this. How can i please God with my gift he gave me?