Suprise baby boy!

All of our choices have a ripple effect. They may effect us or they may effect our family, our friends or our neighbors.  Well, for my family when we couldnt affors birth control in October of 2016 it led the me liking not being on hormones, to calculating my cycle to a vacation in Tennesse with a stubburn husband that led us to a positive pregnacy test in January.
We had decided we were going to find a more perminate birth control. Two kids were more than enough. They kept us on our toes. We were happy we were blessed. But honestly nothing made me feel as whole as seeing the 2 lines on that small little stick. God's plan was even better than ours.
The pregnancy was good. Lots of itching from withdraw from my anxiety/depression meds. Morning sickness like id never had. I threw up more this pregnancy than i had my whole life. Typical sciatica and acid reflux. And of course gestation diabetes. The kids took it all well and were so helpful to mommy. And wanted to bond with baby brother so badly. And they did. The little bean was aways responding to their voices. Thet loved feeling him move.
The real excitment started August 19. I woke up and felt entergized. I meal prepped and cleaned all day. At 9pm i got back pains and eventually stood in the shower for an hr or so. I got out and sat on the bed. Hadley was watching an annoying youtube video and at
Yelled at her to turn it off. At that moment i needed to pee.
It wasnt pee though. My water had broke. I yelled for Hadley to get daddy. And of course she had 5 million questions about why. I was trying to to panick and i was only 36 weeks along. He cant be coming now. But he was.
I was shaking and the contractions started big time 5 min later. Loading 2 kids in a car at 12 pm while calling people to keep them was exciting while trying not to freak out.
We arrive at the hospital and contractions are 2 min apart and brutal. No need to verify water breaking. I needed to be in an OR asap. So about an hour after arriving we were in an OR. Dr. Reeves looked like he had just woke up. But he could see my fear and tried to help. He got me warm blankets and talked about stinky boys. He even joked that Holden was hiding from him.
Hearing my sweet boy cry was instsnt relief to my anxiety. And for about 1 min all was ok. But honestly nothing makes you feel as helpless and being strapped to a OR table, unable to move while trying to read lips. (which i suck at) But my husband's face said it all. I felt a tear run down my face as i watched him try to keep it together. Holden failed their APGAR test. And he failed the 2nd one. He needed O2 and needed the NICU. I felt so helpless and alone. As brian needed to stay with our boy.
They did make a stop by recovery and i got to hold my baby boy for 2 min until he was too blue and needes to go back to NICU.
My biggest fear was playing out. I had told myself so many times i wasnt strong enough to do this again. The first time was the hardest thing for me. Not being able to touch or talk to my baby boy. How was i going to do this again?
The amazing thing was i was never worried about Holden as he had the best healer on his side. It was the being alone that hurt the most. I went from having him inside me, to him being a 5 min walk away. And hooked up. I couldnt touch him those first 24 hrs. That was painful.
I didnt have my other littles. So i didnt have cuddles. Brian was working. So unless i had visitors, which i had many, i was alone. And all i did was walk and pump and sleep and eat.
By day 3 i was able to hold him. And i did as often as i was allowed. Day 4 i was nursing him thw first time. It wasnt sucessful but it was great. And it just got better from there. The 5th night i was not a patient but got to stay to nurse around the clock. It was exhausting walking to the NICU every 2 hrs but worth it.
The 6th night he was mine. All mine. We didnt have visitors and at this point i was fine with that. Just my small family of 5.  <3
It was a ruff week my emotions were on fire. I missed my big kids and my littliest. We had an eclipse and a hurricane and even an earth quak. But we went home on day 7. Home. Just my not so little family.
GOD has a plan and a reason. And i lnow he is why i was calm during Holden's storm. Brian and all the kids needed me to be. And God did just that.

Fasting and prayer 2016 day 1

At church Sunday our pastor challenged us all to a fast and prayer. As soon as he said it. I knew that fb was exactly what i needed to fast. No questions. Brian struggled with it. As everything he could fast. He seemed to not want to give up.
I am not even sure he finally decided what to fast.
As for myself I, well Hadley, deleted my fb applicatioon my phone. It has been a struggle. I keep going to check it. I almost feel like I am disconnected or out of the loop. It makes me anxious. But today when i did my morming prayer session God spoke to me.
This fasting and prayer will be for me to find ways to use my gift he has giving me outside ofFB. As I read 1 Corinthians 12:8,
"To onee person he give the ability to give wise advice, to another thr gift of special knowledge.", something just clicked for me. I am not 100% on how to verbalize it. But i will be praying about how to use this. How can i please God with my gift he gave me?

Funny how one song changes everything

The other day while listening to the 90's country on Pandora the song 'is there life out there' by Reba came on. My friend that was here says "this song always gets to me and i end up crying and in i start thinking about the what ifs" as I looked at my friend I tried to imagine being in her shoes.
There are many choices that she could have made that would have made her life easier. We can all say that right? But i really found myself not able to sympathise with her. I felt empathy of course but i couldnt imagine feeling that way.
I am exactly where i wanted to be in my life. I have God, my husband and my 2 beautiful kids. We have always had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. My husband works hard everyday while i raise our kids. There are choices i may have mad differently but i have never got emotional over the what if? Or really wondered about it.
This has got me thinking though about what else I want in life. And my mind has been running ragged about having another baby. I want to so dearly. And always have. But i know fincially it doesnt make sense with what our healthcare industry in America had become.
So now. I can sympathize with my friend as I wonder about what name we would name the new baby, Harley is a favorite, or how awesome of a big sister Hadley would be.
Logically, I know what makes sense. But my heart if fighting me. All i have ever wanted to be was a mom. Just like my momma. Stay home and raise my babies. That's what I have. So with humble and greatful heart I will keep praying and talking to my husband and God about what out future holds. Pray with me if you please!

Motherhood is so much more than what you think

I keep going to write this blog and apparently its just not righy each time as i keep not saving it on accident. That is part of motherhood I suppose.
Anyways, i read so many post daily from mothers complaining or frustrated with their kids and or the kids father when it comes to life. Being a mom has the same responsibilities and rewards and sacrifies whether you are single, married or whatever. Im not talking about dished or laundry or whatever.
As a mother it is you responsibilty to raise and love and dicipline your children.
Being a mother meanns waking up at 6 to get the kids ready for school even though you were up til 2 am with a baby with a upset tummy.
Being a mother means dicplining your child for things that make you laugh.
Being a mother means getting ugly stares as your child rolls on the ground in tantrum mode. But you want to prove a point.
Being a mother means laying a blanket over pee as your child never even woke from slumbet as they peed on you.
Being a mother means cleaning up vomit at 3 am while trying to hold the bucked to prevent more vomit covered carpet or blankets or clothes or well anything really.
Being a mother means wrangling a what feels like a 8 legged octopus to take a bath and wash it's hair.
Being a mother is repeating phrases like "please dont eat that"  or "stop licking that"
Being a mother is parent teacher conferences. Sometimes simply explaining your child pulled his pants down and peed on the playground.
Being a mother is learning to let them grow and learn on their own.
Being a mother means finally giving up and hoping the dog food that the baby ate had some nutritional value, While you clean the mess up.
Being a mother means sometimes hearing "i hate you" or "you are a mean mommy" or my favorite "i wish you had a penis and were my second daddy and not my mommy" yup heard that one.
Being a mother means staying up with a crying baby, toddler or child.
Being a mother is walking through target with princess Elsa or batman.
Being a mother means you get to see smiles and giggles and laughs.
Being a mother means you get hugs and kisses and i love yous.
Being a mother is making mistakes.
Being a mothet means you become a mombie. And im not convienced that ever goes away. There isnt enough coffee.
Anyways.
My point is being a mother means being there for your kids. When they need you. Though the good the bad and the ugly. There is nothing that will bring back these days. They will grow up they will become adults. And there is nothing that can be done.
So whether you have a husband or are single or have a good father for your children, remeber we are all in this together. Being a mother is hard. It is stressful and you will mess up. Probably horribly. But just be there. Be there for your kids. Support them, dicipline them but most of all love them. Be there safe place. Be there home. Because in the end. That is what matters.
Childhood is short. Take advantage of being apart of it. Yelling and screaming and stressing over your kids wont make it easier or benefit you, as a mother or your kids.
Love them and rember that being a mother is just that being, be a mother.

When anxiety gets the best of you

Living with a hidden illness is frustrsting and annoying. I live with anxiety and depression. It's hard, because just like visible illnesses every invisible one is different. You cant put yourself in their shoes, even if you also suffer some the same thing.
Today I had my first outburst since being medicated. Before I talk about what happened let me give you some back story. We are currently living at my moms
We sold our house and are waiting for the new one to be built. Living here also is my sister amd her kids. So that's 5 adults, 4 kids, 3 dogs and 4 cats.
Also, as most of you know Hayden had ADHD tendencies, along with his hearing complications, anxiety and his dysgraphia. Today pediatrician gave us a refereal for a specialist to get him more help with learning to manage it all.
As you can imagine that's hard. Hard to deal with, hard to imagine your son feeling even some of how you feel.
Well back to my episode, I walked into my moms and the first thing I hear is within the 5 min it took me to get inside my son had gotten in trouble for yelling after being told to be quite. I lost it. I raised my voice about how he has hearing issues and they know that. and then somwone called him a brat, which so happens to be a trigger word with my when used with Hayden (i know it is harmless, but my anxiety doesnt let me see it that way. i know getting upset about it is silly but that doesnt change my emotions. )
I started to get mad. I probably said alot i dont even remember. But he is my boy and he said he didnt hear "stop being loud and be quit" he heard " stop being quit and be loud". As one adult left she said "amiee needs to face the facts about hayden"
While true, that ia kinda what started it. As I know talking to my son may reveal more about what happened.
It is hard to tell if he is being dramatic and milking or legit. But after choice words with the adults present I sat and talked to Hayden. I explained how "be loud" wasnt logical. and he needs to think before he acts and how i know he knows better.
Then I tried to apologize. That went down hill quickly as i tried to explain why I reacted poorly. Not that it justifies it at all. but let's say apology was not recieved and I was that my son is the way he is because of me. Well as much as that sentence hurt I know its true,
anxiety is genetic.
I have learned a few things about today. apparently I cant leave my kids alone with some people I thought I could, because I dont trust them with diciplining my children. Also it seems somw think i am too open ms honest with my kids. Both things I need to think about.
I know my actions may not make sense but they did/do to me. Even just looking back I could agree I over reacted. My feelings are still there and real.

Hayden looses his first tooth

Well it is offical Hayden had lost his first tooth. It wasnt his first loose tooth. That one is still hanging out. But he lost a tooth and thats the exciting part.
The tooth was hanging by a thread and he was refusing to eat and kept saying it hurt. So he asked daddy to pull it. So daddy did. He was relieved and excited.
The tooth fairy left him 5 glittery, and crisp dollar bills and left him a letter. He cant wait to loose more. He has 3 loose ones!
Hadley keeps telling him is talking funny, which he isnt but she gets a kick out of it.

Baptism 8/30/2015

Sunday, after church services Hayden tells me "mommy,mommy i was saved!" i love it and he says it everytime they do it. The boy is always ready to renew his love for Jesus.
The next part is what was different. "I want to be baptised momma"
So of course I think that is great. But i need to know he fully understands what that means. He tells me " it means that i would not be new on the inside. I would be clean and full of love in my heart for Jesus" I'll take that. So off we walked to go sign up.
After confusing and being lost we are almost to the table to sign up. And Hayden is so excited and happy. Buy then he says "mommy when were you baptized?" i clinch my face as i admit i never had been.
You see going to a baptist church and being told horrible scary things made me warry about it. I love the idea and the reasoning and I always want to but the memories always got to me. No, i did not tell Hayden that. We keep walking and he says "momma you should do it with me"
Something in his voice and in his sweet smile made a instant response happen. I say "you know what bubba, im gonna do it with you!"
He is estatic. Sister immediately became distraught as she ask to join us. But she is too little. I remind her she has Jesus in her heart and soon she will old enough and maybe GiGi or even daddy may join her. She accepted that but she wasnt leaving my side At all.
So my son goes first. He comes up from the water with the biggest smile and is full of pure happiness. And is all to eager to help mommy climb in for her turn. (broken foot makes climbing in a tank interesting sight to say the least)
The pastor ask me "do you have Jesus i. Your heart"  i say "yes" he ask a frw more questions that become a blur as I stare at the two faces of my beautiful children infront of me, watching me make this comittment and visual display of my faith and love for Jesus. They dunk me and i feel the warmth in the cold water.
That day my life changed. I shared a moment with my son that I will never forgot. I am so eager to watch his faith and love grow as he grows. The boy loves him some Jesus and I'm right there with him. 💛💙💜💚👣🙏☝🙌