Baptism 8/30/2015

Sunday, after church services Hayden tells me "mommy,mommy i was saved!" i love it and he says it everytime they do it. The boy is always ready to renew his love for Jesus.
The next part is what was different. "I want to be baptised momma"
So of course I think that is great. But i need to know he fully understands what that means. He tells me " it means that i would not be new on the inside. I would be clean and full of love in my heart for Jesus" I'll take that. So off we walked to go sign up.
After confusing and being lost we are almost to the table to sign up. And Hayden is so excited and happy. Buy then he says "mommy when were you baptized?" i clinch my face as i admit i never had been.
You see going to a baptist church and being told horrible scary things made me warry about it. I love the idea and the reasoning and I always want to but the memories always got to me. No, i did not tell Hayden that. We keep walking and he says "momma you should do it with me"
Something in his voice and in his sweet smile made a instant response happen. I say "you know what bubba, im gonna do it with you!"
He is estatic. Sister immediately became distraught as she ask to join us. But she is too little. I remind her she has Jesus in her heart and soon she will old enough and maybe GiGi or even daddy may join her. She accepted that but she wasnt leaving my side At all.
So my son goes first. He comes up from the water with the biggest smile and is full of pure happiness. And is all to eager to help mommy climb in for her turn. (broken foot makes climbing in a tank interesting sight to say the least)
The pastor ask me "do you have Jesus i. Your heart"  i say "yes" he ask a frw more questions that become a blur as I stare at the two faces of my beautiful children infront of me, watching me make this comittment and visual display of my faith and love for Jesus. They dunk me and i feel the warmth in the cold water.
That day my life changed. I shared a moment with my son that I will never forgot. I am so eager to watch his faith and love grow as he grows. The boy loves him some Jesus and I'm right there with him. 💛💙💜💚👣🙏☝🙌

A letter to my mother

You are my mother and my best friend.
I love you and will protect always.
Even when we disagree I respect you enough to walk alway and not talk in anger or spite.
I wish I would have gotten involved in this sooner. I wish I had known you needed money to drive to sign that paper. I wish I had talked to my father and maybe just maybe this would not have ever happened. 
I can't go back. I can't change all this. Thank you for respecting me and learning you can ask me for help. In anyway. I'm glad I could be your ear when you needed. And not Expect me to judge and just to listen.
I know the traditional role isn't a child to help a parent financially..I know you cry everytime you need help. But you are not in control of your situation and y'ou have helped my family many times. and I'm sure in the future you will again once you are back on your feet.
I know you feel bad about what happened. I onow you feel guilty. But I don't blame you. I don't really blame my dad for it effecting me directly. He didn't know. Neither did you.
I love you and please know I'm here for whatever you need til the end of forever. ♥

A letter to my daddy

I'm writting as you could not calm yourself enough to listen to my words.  Since I'm writting I'm gonna start where I want to. First off, yes my mother talked to me about the situation,  no I never talked bad about you an and neither did my mother. As a matter of fact she continuously said, despite all this she still love you.  She loves you because you are the father our her 4 beautiful child and the 20 plus yrs had good yrs. So anyways. My opinion never changed of you even with all that.
So yesterday when I find out my bank account that had all the money I have balanced out to zero. Can you imagine how I felt? I felt lost and afriad and scared and worried. Thats how i provide for my family. Well when I called you, I was upset and a bit mad. But I knew you never meant for this to effect me, just my mother. (Which even if it hadn't taken my money, taking my mothers would effect me, just as vise versa to you)
You started yelling and cussing and trying to explain. I didn't need that. I didn't need to know why you wanted to do this. I'm glad I know bc I am hoping I can fix it for everyone involved.  But anyways. Hearing my father tell me he expected me to defend my mother and he hated her and never wants to see her again. That was my breaking point.  I started to bawl.
First off, yes I'm going to defend her. Just as I defend my sisters when brian is mad or I defend brian when my sisters are mad. Thats how MY HEART works.
Second,  no child every wants to hear a parent say they hate the other parent. That implies (whether you mean to or not) that you hate part of me. And when I told you how that made me feel you said you didn't care because that's how you feel. But that's talk for your wife not your child.
So lets go back. The situation with the letter for the house that started this all. If you where having what sems to have been a major communication issue. Mom just need time to get to conore. She is on work mans como due to a injury. Her money is tight. So when she said she needed time. You should have worked with her. But anyways. Yelling and screaming turns it to anger. Then she threatens for the money you owe her for the house and then you threaten the child support. You say its to call is even. Once you take the 7 grand you will give it back and call it even.
Ok. But did you know that while doing this you are taking her for literally every bit of the little she has. And In return her children who love her would help her. We would have done the same in reverse. For the most part. that's what family is for each other.
Before filing child support it would have made more sense to bring your plan to her. I did that for you like I told you I would. And she agreed. It was never about the money.
But anyways, I'm not here for sides. I get that you were upset and wantingg to protect yourself as you stated yesterday. I listened to you.  I respect you opinion on it. Depsite that i dont agree. But I beg you to see how all of your decisions hurt our family. I get that you say my mother is responsible and that's how you feel. She feels the same way. She feels guilty and wishes she could change what had happened in MAY.  Wishes she had asked to borrow gas money to go sign your paper.
I'm sorry that this happens.  I'm sorry that I was put in the midddle. I know your nor momma ever meant for my family to be included in your battle. But that's the funny thing about divorce the kids are affected and they do get hurt. And I even at age 27 the worst part about yesterday was hearing my dad say he hates my mother and that he had no faith that I wouldn't attack him. I have never attacked you. I've never yelled at you. Even yesterday I didn't. Not to you or melissa. I have enough respect for my father and his wife than that. I never made a judgement on you about any of this until yesterday when my heart shattered. 
Anger feeds hatred and causes more anger.
And a path of destruction will follow.
So with all your anger and that you are holding and keeping I pray for you. I pray that you can find peace and let go of the anger. Because as long as the anger and hatred is there people are going to keep getting hurt.
I love you daddy. That's why the words you said hurt so much.  I know we have never had a close relationship but that never meant I'd attack you or put you down. I know I wasn't intended in the crossfire. But I was. And I know that will get fixed. But your words will brand me. As I try to understand them. I know my worth. I was raised well. God loves me and he knows my heart. I hope you will one day too. 

Leviticus 19:17 - Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.